Ownership.

something has changed within me. i've spent the last three weeks focusing most of my energy on the sheer shock of the news i received, the way my life was forever going to be changed, the horror and debilitating power that cancer now held over my head, the denial that this couldn't be happening to me, and thousands of "why's" i had for God every night around 2 a.m. that would last till the sun came up. but the last couple of days, something has happened. i'm not sure i can call it peace, i don't know if i will ever be at peace with having cancer. i think i'll call it acceptance. ownership. it's mine. i'm claiming it, i'm learning about it, i'm changing it. and at the end i will be alive because of that choice. i start treatment on Monday. i start treatment on Monday. one. more. time. i start treatment on Monday. three weeks ago, i thought Monday consisted of cleaning toilets, and grocery shopping for the week. this coming Monday, i fight for my life. i'm IN the fight. saying, typing, thinking that i start the beginning of the end of this nightmare excites me and terrifies me. there are a million unknowns... what about the way my body reacts to the medicine, what if my white blood cell count gets so low they have to stop, what if i get pneumonia, what if i get a cold, what if at the end none of it worked, what if at the end they find even more cancer? then there is this, "what if it all works as planned?" and at the end i get to reclaim my life, live fully, and teach my kids a lesson i would never have learned otherwise. what if at the end i get to add "survivor" to my repertoire? i am at the beginning of this. but Monday my wheels stop just turning, and begin to move. i get to be in motion. right now, i can't see the finish line. but i know it's there.