Tattooed.

Yesterday i was standing in the dressing room in Urban Outfitters and began to cry my eyes out. i had gone shopping for a few new things in the hopes of some distraction. but just like every corner of my world right now, cancer just keeps on following me. i took off my shirt to try some things on, and there they were. the fresh tattoos i had received the day before. i had met with my radiologist on tuesday to have a CAT scan so they could "mark" me. these marks are permanent. i felt like i got branded. these will be forever reminders of this battle. and as i laid there shaking, and they kept reminding me to "keep still", i just kept thinking, "why am i here?" i tried focusing on the contrast of my skin to everything else... the white room, the white ceilings, the bright white lights, the white coats, the white machine, the white gown they had me change into when i got there. i was staring at my skin reminding myself that i was still alive. the radiation is so precise that i am given these marks so they know exactly where to aim the beams every time.

it's another hard pill to swallow. another hard step in this process to accept. i will be in a dressing room a year from now, trying on clothes. will these marks still stand out to me? will i be wearing them in pride? will they no longer be marks of suffering, but of surviving? i hope.

Perspective.

"Cancer is one of the bet things that has ever happened to me. Cancer is a perspective giver like nothing else i've ever experienced. it has given me so much more than it has taken away. and it has taken away a lot." - Sylvia McNair, Survivor.

Wow, what as awesome thing to be able to say! as i've been laying awake most nights trying to figure out what i am going to do with the massive amounts of information given to me by massive amounts of doctors, i've been trying to decide how i am going to live my life now... now that i have cancer. i can't go back. back to the place where what i thought about life is true. i am now in a place where what i know about life is true, and faced with this choice... how am i going to live? no more cliches, no more cute quotes... it's down to the Word. The. Word. The Word of God that i believe is true. it's staring me in the face. am i gonna do it? am i going to live my life differently now... now that i know i could die? and the answer is, yes. Yes. I. Am. i am at the very beginning of this journey. i will never again be the person i was before i had cancer. i am going to be different. and i am going to live better. i am going to be a better wife, and mother, and sister, daughter, friend, stranger, driver, speaker, writer, traveler, photographer.... the lens i look through is going to see things others don't. for the first time ever, i might actually really begin to live without borders... beyond what i ever thought possible. so in the end i wonder, could cancer be a gift?

Dammit Doll.

Today was just entirely too sad to write about. but at the oncology center today, they did give me this.

i think it says enough.

Moving Tumors.

My faith is the size of a mustard seed, and while i may not be able to move mountains, i am pretty sure it will remove these tumors. today has been a mix of emotions, and i've been working on explaining to myself that i am a healthy person, i also have cancer, and when it's gone i will still be a healthy person. i do not want this cancer to have any more power over me than it already has, and frankly i feel like putting boxing gloves on and kicking it's butt. cancer, you picked the wrong girl.

also, this is my anthem... Need to Breathe, "Something Beautiful". and please, go to itunes and download it. to all my friends and family, i recommend you listen to this on LOUD and envision me totally healed. through your prayers, and by your prayers, i will be.

Adult Tantrum.

Last night was major for me. i threw a cancer tantrum. i kicked, and screamed, and cried, and paced back and forth, and rubbed my eyes, i talked a mile a minute and swore like a sailor. i came undone... and was put back together again. this morning i woke up with a clear mind. i felt i had an understanding of some sorts of this cancer thing that has pretty much taken over my body, spirit, and mind. i came to the conclusion that the yuckiest sum of its parts, the radiation/ chemo combo is what is going to save my life. it's not there to destroy me, but to help heal me. and over seeing the whole project will be my God. i feel thankful today for adult tantrums, and for God's grace breaking through the cracks in my darkness to shine His light.

Step One.

Step one, breathe. step two... repeat step one. i am utterly exhausted. emotionally almost over the edge. i am furious that i am in this battle and that i have to say that i am 27 and officially a cancer patient. i am so mad that my kids will have to watch me puke, and have such massive fatigue that i won't be able to move most of the time. i am struggling to see this as any sort of purpose and want to return to my old life immediately. but instead i am visiting doctors i have never met before discussing my life, the one i thought i had a clue about, only to know that they know more about what's going on inside of me than i do. i found out today that i have stage one cancer and stage four. wt? my cancer is contained with in the tumor, stage one... but it's also in a lymph node, stage four. i now wait to talk to a radiologist so they can discuss what it means exactly to light me up like a firework. basically at the end of this, i think i will glow in the dark. i get to talk all things chemo. oh what fun! really this has just been a hard day/ dose of my new reality. i want to get off this ride now. i want to press the Stop button. i was not chosen to have cancer. i am not suppose to light the way for others by having cancer. i don't want to live my life with cancer just to be an example. i can only hope that before and without cancer i lived my life with positivity. i don't think in any way, God has given me cancer. in fact i think He hates that i have it. but at the end of the day i will sleep tonight because i know He will heal me of it.

What it's all about.

i've been living with cancer for almost a week. well, i don't know how long i've had it, but i've been living under the diagnosis of cancer for 7 days. in those seven days i've made trips to target, made dinner, been told i have cancer, changed some diapers, given some baths, cried my eyes out, cried some more, informed my family, informed my friends, done laundry, done research, had a PT scan, gone out to lunch, gone to a fair, pretended it's not true, declared it's true and now i am diving in head first. the ups and downs of it have been extreme. it feels like a grieving process. the pain, sometimes, has seemed unbearable. they found a tumor. gulp. they found it was cancer. bigger gulp. as i write, doctors are looking to see where the cancer is, what it is, and how to get it the heck out of my life.

i am going to try and keep up with writing as often as i can. i hope at least for a line a day. this is the last day i can pretend that i don't have cancer. tomorrow i face it head on. i go over what they have found and talk all things treatment. i never thought that at 27 years old i would be told that i am in a fight for my life. today i am buying a journal and am going to begin writing it all down for my kids. i am also going and getting the ipad to help stay connected and distracted. i have my mom here to help and my sister has flown in for the weekend from Florida. she'll be coming as much as she can. my dad has been here helping out, making me laugh, and giving out great hugs. yesterday we went out to lunch and i acted like i didn't have cancer. aside from the fact that every thought i had kept drifting back to the topic.

for today i am going to laugh, and probably cry some more. but mostly i am going to try and laugh. and squeeze my kids, and kiss my husband a little too much.