Treatments and Cheesecake.

Tomorrow is a big, big, BIG day for me! i finish treatments!!!!! all of them! tomorrow i am DONE! and we are going to celebrate treatments with treats... and lots of 'em! jonathan is bringing home Eileen's Special Cheesecakes for all of us. Eileen's is the BEST cheesecake.... it's been on LX New York, The Food Network....... and so on, and now it's about to mark to the end of something so terrible, by starting off with something so special:) make mine banana please!

When nothing makes sense.

it's not writers block, it's cancer block. i've reached a problem. i'm not getting anything out of this anymore. that's how it feels. it's just taking and taking and taking. where has the "given" gone? i've learned some great lessons. and now what? how do i take what i know about the world, and my body and apply it to living and not go insane? this is something i would most certainly be bringing up with a therapist, ya know, if i had the time to go see one. would a therapist be able to piece this together? can i take advice from anyone who hasn't had cancer ever again? "well, in my case i would do this...." well, have you fought cancer? no, no?? then never mind. is it making me a control freak? is it turning me judgmental? thank God, for God. i can come to Him and lay it all down. just lay it all down. i don't know how this journey would be going for me if i wasn't a christian... if i didn't have a love affair going on with Jesus. i just keep turning my head towards Him... the most creative, creator of all living things. i was having a talk with my daughter the other day, "do you know who paints the best, and molds the best, and sculpts the best, and has the most amazing hands, and the most vivid imagination?" she answered, "yes, daddy." i laughed so hard, but replied, "nooooo, God!" i believe this when i am talking to her. and in the end it's not cancer that will make all the difference. it's my knowing Him.

Introducing...

my warrior cubs. these are the faces that make this journey make any amount of sense to me at all. these are the ones that motion, "keep going"... these are the faces that have to say at a young age, "we need our momma." these are the reasons i fight.

and in two weeks, i will have finished all the my cancer treatments. i'll have made it out alive. and i will live. thank you my little ones. it's been your horrible duty to put a smile on my face when i just wanted to pout, and kick, and cry. but you three made me laugh, made me pray, made me love even more. through all this you get a better momma in the end. a better momma! i love you Graycen, Dune, and Lars. you're all amazing.

Where was i when...

my cells decided to turn into cancer? was i grocery shopping? was i giving graycen a bath? had i just put dune and lars down for a nap? was it while i was sleeping? was it during a shower? where was the moment that went from normal to sick? where was that moment so that i can go back and strangle it. i cry. and i cry. and i cry. when i think about this. so i try not to think about it.

i realize that if you stumble upon this blog that you don't know much about me other than i am fighting some very unwanted cancer. three tumors they found. Stage III. but here's some un- cancer related info about me, because i am much more than just cancer. i am 28. i love God. and my husband. this september i will married for 5 years. i have three kids, all with unusual names. i went to school for photography. and i have a knack for design. i am obsessed with all things retro, vintage, old, and babies. i love to be in the garden, and eat from it. i love to wear spf that's over 50, and i like umbrellas. i refer to my children as "my littles" and i get that from one of my favorite movies, Darby O'Gill and the Little People. i like owls and squirrels. i take over one hundred pictures a day. my dream job would be high end children's photography. i was just getting that kicked off the ground when i got a call to come see my dr. because they found something. cancer.

i've done chemo, and radiation. thought i hit hell, came back... have had three weeks off to get stronger, get well. but my white blood cell count has only lowered, and i have caught a cold. all of this would mean very little, but tomorrow, monday, i go in for surgery and 5 more radiations. the month of august is predicted to be a tough one. good thing i am tough.

so here i am in photo glory. i've put my big camera down for a bit and now carry around my beloved point and shoot. it's much easier for weak arms. this is me.

Love.

a friend posted on her facebook tonight that she knows way too many people with cancer right now that are close to her in her life. i can honestly say that before my own cancer, i only knew of one other person who had had it and that was my grandfather who sadly passed away from a long, long battle. but now i know many, many people with cancer. meeting so many through radiation and chemotherapy, i have so many new friends now who are fighting for there lives. i love about 20 knew people who i call friends and who i pray for by name every day. most times you could find me begging God to save them, crying my eyes out knowing all too well their struggle. these people know a part of me that no one else knows, that no one else could understand. these people cheered for me the other day when i came in with a new hair color and hair cut. these people screamed "hurrah" when i told them i was spending the day outside running around with my kids. these people cling to me for hope. and these people are sick. and it makes me sad. and it makes me angry. and confused. and bitter. and it makes me lash out at the people i love. i hate cancer. i hate cancer. i hate cancer. i will never be the same. ever.

"you wonder where God is when things like this happen to you. and then you realize He is there in the pits right beside you."

Although this picture is completely corny, it is what i feel like doing right now. if you are in the fight, just found out you have cancer, hating chemotherapy, lost someone to cancer, cursing the world, angry, sad, mad, confused... then i want to kiss and hug you. i am in the fight too and it really sucks. but it IS giving me my life... and ah, it's such a good one. "this too shall pass."

Break.

i am taking a break from this blog for the moment. mostly because it totally depresses me. but also because i am taking a general break. i have two weeks off to get a little healthy and strong and then i am having surgery. then 3 more weeks of radiation. and then the scans begin, and so does my life of wondering if i'll ever go a day without thinking about cancer. i have so much to write about, so much that weighs on me heavily, so many subjects that need to be talked in the dark, to my husband, in the privacy of our room. this is by far the saddest thing i have taken part in. it shattered our family, and at a very young age jonathan and i are learning how to plan on putting it back together again, when we are up against statistics that say i have a 70 percent chance i will even be alive in 5 years. i am battling fatigue that would normally land me on my back and in bed, but after what i've just been through, i am calling those days, "good days." with already missing out on the last two months of my kids lives, i am trying to jump back in and participate finally, even if it makes me dizzy. i miss my husband. i miss being able to kiss him on the lips because my white blood cell count is low, and getting sick at this point could land me in the hospital. i'm sad that my kids can't share my drinks, or that i can't suck on their little, chubby baby fingers in fear of getting sick. in so many words, I AM OVER IT. AND CANCER CAN TOTALLY KISS MY A**. so the next two weeks i am going to spend them breaking the rules. i am going to kiss my husband till it hurts, and share my drinks, and suck on baby fingers and toes.... because this is medicine also. the kind i really need right now to begin truly healing.

Born.... Again.