When nothing makes sense.

it's not writers block, it's cancer block. i've reached a problem. i'm not getting anything out of this anymore. that's how it feels. it's just taking and taking and taking. where has the "given" gone? i've learned some great lessons. and now what? how do i take what i know about the world, and my body and apply it to living and not go insane? this is something i would most certainly be bringing up with a therapist, ya know, if i had the time to go see one. would a therapist be able to piece this together? can i take advice from anyone who hasn't had cancer ever again? "well, in my case i would do this...." well, have you fought cancer? no, no?? then never mind. is it making me a control freak? is it turning me judgmental? thank God, for God. i can come to Him and lay it all down. just lay it all down. i don't know how this journey would be going for me if i wasn't a christian... if i didn't have a love affair going on with Jesus. i just keep turning my head towards Him... the most creative, creator of all living things. i was having a talk with my daughter the other day, "do you know who paints the best, and molds the best, and sculpts the best, and has the most amazing hands, and the most vivid imagination?" she answered, "yes, daddy." i laughed so hard, but replied, "nooooo, God!" i believe this when i am talking to her. and in the end it's not cancer that will make all the difference. it's my knowing Him.