Break.

i am taking a break from this blog for the moment. mostly because it totally depresses me. but also because i am taking a general break. i have two weeks off to get a little healthy and strong and then i am having surgery. then 3 more weeks of radiation. and then the scans begin, and so does my life of wondering if i'll ever go a day without thinking about cancer. i have so much to write about, so much that weighs on me heavily, so many subjects that need to be talked in the dark, to my husband, in the privacy of our room. this is by far the saddest thing i have taken part in. it shattered our family, and at a very young age jonathan and i are learning how to plan on putting it back together again, when we are up against statistics that say i have a 70 percent chance i will even be alive in 5 years. i am battling fatigue that would normally land me on my back and in bed, but after what i've just been through, i am calling those days, "good days." with already missing out on the last two months of my kids lives, i am trying to jump back in and participate finally, even if it makes me dizzy. i miss my husband. i miss being able to kiss him on the lips because my white blood cell count is low, and getting sick at this point could land me in the hospital. i'm sad that my kids can't share my drinks, or that i can't suck on their little, chubby baby fingers in fear of getting sick. in so many words, I AM OVER IT. AND CANCER CAN TOTALLY KISS MY A**. so the next two weeks i am going to spend them breaking the rules. i am going to kiss my husband till it hurts, and share my drinks, and suck on baby fingers and toes.... because this is medicine also. the kind i really need right now to begin truly healing.