For Jonathan.

"There is a madness in God's plan. But know that between my sighs and moans of desperation i feel your pain, too." - from the book, Surviving Cancer

i've met so many couples in the last almost two months. each with a heart breaking story of life, love, pain, and sickness. jonathan and i are one of them. as i sit here typing, my hands are shaking. i don't eat anymore, and i've resorted to IV fluids to get my hydration. to say i feel sick would be a huge understatement. but i've been wanting to get this post written for a while, and i am going to do my best to be the voice of these people.

there is something that no cancer patient gets, and that is what their significant other is going through. as i look around the room while i get my chemo, i see so many older couples. one couple is about to celebrate 64 years of marriage! cancer has brought them here. one couple met in 1943, in Germany, he met his bride and brought her back to America. she sat next to me last week. she is fighting cancer. as i look at these men and woman waiting for their loved ones to finish the treatment, fight this battle, or even wait for it to claim the life they once knew, i wonder what that moment was like. the one where their heart shattered into a million pieces, the moment they were told that the person that has taught them the most about life, shared children with, the person they love the most, what that moment was like when the blood drained to their feet, where they would struggle to walk out the door that day, the day they were told that the one they belonged to had cancer. i know what it was like to watch jonathan, but i was in my own shock hearing the news. so over the last couple of weeks i've been asking. what was that moment like? and every one i've talked to can agree that it was the worst kind of pain they have ever experienced.

knowing that my jonathan is suffering like this makes me angry, mad at the world. it makes me want to scream. sometimes i do. mostly into my pillow, letting my fists fly around me violently all over my bed. wailing. sobbing. the pain sometimes, i wonder, has already won.

i sit in a room full of people who are fighting to be with other people. to live for other people. i celebrate my wedding anniversary, 5 years, this september. strangely, that chemo room has made me fall more deeply in love with jonathan and the idea of marriage. i feel honored to sit in a room full of people who fought for their marriages and now for their lives. by this september, i hope i can say, "happy anniversary baby, i am cancer free."