The Tough Questions 101.

I've spent the last couple of weeks with terrible insomnia. i lay awake playing out every scenario from my own funeral arrangements to my daughters high school graduation. point being, i have no idea what is going to happen with and to my life, like most people. i just happen to carry around a cancer statistic over my head that says what kind of percentage i have of being alive in 5 years. one thing that does play out over and over in my head is my movie like moment... the one i'm told that i am cancer free. but wait- hold up...... (insert screeching brakes). i had a visit with my doctor today. he actually told me i'm thinking "too much." but really, i've never been down this road before. i've never used words like remission and pet scan, and blood levels when i am thinking of being a healthy cancer free living momma. well, it doesn't quite work like that. my movie like moment won't come for two years. for two more years i don't get the opportunity to say i am living "cancer free." the first year it's scans, scan, scan, scan, scan, scan, and scan me again. the first couple of scans might even show cancer still! what! this is news to me. so after i caught my breath i pressed on with more questions. what does this mean for me? tonight, do i go home and finish picking what flowers i prefer at my wake? well, not exactly. he did continue to tell me that by the 6 month scan that if it shows that cancer is still there, then we worry. chances are something didn't work and boom, i still have cancer. from then they would only do chemo, because where i have already been radiated on is way to softened and could never handle that type of radiation again. from there we'd pray that chemo would do the job. it wouldn't be Cisplatin, because that's already done a number on my kidneys... so... well, you get it, i am a thinker. i guess my next question was, "what if i make that first year with all clean scans?" then i go into remission. and if that whole year i get clean scans, well then i'll get my movie like moment. i'm thinking... i'm walking down a long hall, going into my doctor's office and he looks up and smiles, and says these words i've been fighting to live for, "you are cancer free." see, this is where i can decided, how do i live with cancer, and choose not to die from it?

the funeral flowers are just gonna have to wait.