What it's all about.

i've been living with cancer for almost a week. well, i don't know how long i've had it, but i've been living under the diagnosis of cancer for 7 days. in those seven days i've made trips to target, made dinner, been told i have cancer, changed some diapers, given some baths, cried my eyes out, cried some more, informed my family, informed my friends, done laundry, done research, had a PT scan, gone out to lunch, gone to a fair, pretended it's not true, declared it's true and now i am diving in head first. the ups and downs of it have been extreme. it feels like a grieving process. the pain, sometimes, has seemed unbearable. they found a tumor. gulp. they found it was cancer. bigger gulp. as i write, doctors are looking to see where the cancer is, what it is, and how to get it the heck out of my life.

i am going to try and keep up with writing as often as i can. i hope at least for a line a day. this is the last day i can pretend that i don't have cancer. tomorrow i face it head on. i go over what they have found and talk all things treatment. i never thought that at 27 years old i would be told that i am in a fight for my life. today i am buying a journal and am going to begin writing it all down for my kids. i am also going and getting the ipad to help stay connected and distracted. i have my mom here to help and my sister has flown in for the weekend from Florida. she'll be coming as much as she can. my dad has been here helping out, making me laugh, and giving out great hugs. yesterday we went out to lunch and i acted like i didn't have cancer. aside from the fact that every thought i had kept drifting back to the topic.

for today i am going to laugh, and probably cry some more. but mostly i am going to try and laugh. and squeeze my kids, and kiss my husband a little too much.