Step One.

Step one, breathe. step two... repeat step one. i am utterly exhausted. emotionally almost over the edge. i am furious that i am in this battle and that i have to say that i am 27 and officially a cancer patient. i am so mad that my kids will have to watch me puke, and have such massive fatigue that i won't be able to move most of the time. i am struggling to see this as any sort of purpose and want to return to my old life immediately. but instead i am visiting doctors i have never met before discussing my life, the one i thought i had a clue about, only to know that they know more about what's going on inside of me than i do. i found out today that i have stage one cancer and stage four. wt? my cancer is contained with in the tumor, stage one... but it's also in a lymph node, stage four. i now wait to talk to a radiologist so they can discuss what it means exactly to light me up like a firework. basically at the end of this, i think i will glow in the dark. i get to talk all things chemo. oh what fun! really this has just been a hard day/ dose of my new reality. i want to get off this ride now. i want to press the Stop button. i was not chosen to have cancer. i am not suppose to light the way for others by having cancer. i don't want to live my life with cancer just to be an example. i can only hope that before and without cancer i lived my life with positivity. i don't think in any way, God has given me cancer. in fact i think He hates that i have it. but at the end of the day i will sleep tonight because i know He will heal me of it.